Insecure - The Season 12 Finale

INT. SHOP EARTH - LATE DAY

MOLLY and ANDREW steer a sparse cart through the SHOP EARTH aisles with an app on her phone. A boy plows into their legs but doesn’t look up as he chases his younger brother.

MOLLY
Couldn’t be me. We claro?

ANDREW
Loud and clear.

MOLLY
(Pulls him for a kiss)
And I’ll block any swimmers you try to slip past me, don’t sleep.

They browse the produce, taking a beat near some packaged escarole.

MOLLY
Is this bok choy, babe?

ANDREW
If you’re asking because the label’s in Chinese, can you not?

MOLLY
You know I don’t mean it like that. How different is Chinese from Tagalog, for real though?

ANDREW
Yesterday, you lectured me on three distinct versions of ‘yaaas’ but ok. And this is escarole, love.

MOLLY
So what the fuck is bok choy...

ANDREW
Hey! BareFace Contessa. Stay focused. On Yelp this is supposed to be “THE place for fair trade nut cheese” yet...I’m lost.

MOLLY
Oh! I know! It’s in Aisle 9 with the White People Shit.

ANDREW
Nut cheese is the literal opposite of White People Shit. My people don’t do lactose like that. Last time I checked, neither do y’all.

MOLLY
If mac and cheese cramps is the closest thing to my reparations, so be it.

ANDREW
Let’s just ask him for the multicultural cheese.

ANDREW points to a young man in a green vest.

MOLLY
Boy with the fully inked forehead?

ANDREW
That could be the floor plan, you don’t know.

MOLLY
(Her index finger poking ANDREW’s head.)
You. Are. Here.

ANDREW approaches the store clerk.

ANDREW
Hi, where is your nut cheese?

Store clerk snorts.

CLERK
Hold up bro. I need you to say that one more time. Hold on.

CLERK dashes out of the aisle. Returns with phone open and CLERK 2, pointing at ANDREW.

CLERK
(giggling)
Ok, now ask what you just asked again.

ANDREW
Ha ha, bro. But I need nut cheese. Where is it?

Clerk bellows from deep down.

CLERK
It’s right here!

He points to his zipper and howls. This is his crowning punchline.

Enter ISSA DEE. She’s wearing a SHOP EARTH vest but is leaning back so far as she approaches she could be in “Smooth Criminal.”

ANDREW and MOLLY perk up and face her. MOLLY offers a tight smile and zooms in for an abrupt hug. ANDREW freezes his bright face.

MOLLY
ISSA! Oh my god! It’s so so good to see you. So...good. You look...good.

ISSA looks the same as ever, plus 15ish pounds and an ill-fitting SHOP EARTH polo with tragic khakis.

ISSA
Bitch, it ain’t even been that long. What’s it like...(counting on fingers...1, 2, 3...5...7) Seven years.

MOLLY AND ANDREW
...Seven years. Yea.

ISSA
Damn that is a long-ass time. But how the fuck you been, bitch? You clearly on that CrossFit wave.

MOLLY
Well you were the one who got me into it. I remember it was like, if you signed up 22 of your friends you got a whole year free, right?

ISSA
Yea no that’s when I was doing Iraqi yoga trapeze...

MOLLY
OH RIGHT! CrossFit was Fitness Bae and he wanted y’all to start up the gym and then--

ISSA
He ran off with all my credit cards and got me arrested for fraud. Yup, that was CrossFit.

MOLLY
Oh that was CrossFit. Good thing that’s the past though! Right? What are you up to now, girl? I see you caught yourself a lil side gig at the Shop Earth.

ISSA
Oh no this is my whole job. Full-time. Associate People Tech at Shop Earth and Shelf Specialist. It was hard to find something more...promising...with the credit debt and the felony but when I saw this listing I was like “Won’t He do it?!?” and jumped at the chance.

MOLLY
Lookit me being dumb. I remember you had that post on it. Andrew, you never remind me to update my LinkedIn. I am so behind.

ISSA
It’s all right. Really. I appreciated you guys donating to the YouFundMe when I had the butt lift auction. They let me put that on my books, ain’t that some shit?

ANDREW
Anything we can do to support!

MOLLY
Seriously. And you know what? We need to get dinner ok, bitch?Not let it go this long again.

ISSA
I know! Especially if you treating.

MOLLY
(scrolls phone)
Issa you gon need to help a bitch out cuz I got like 6 numbers for you.

ISSA
I got a new number too, boo. Take this down. It’s a landline so don’t text cuz I get charged. 323...416...8742.

MOLLY
Ok girl I’ma call you when I pick a spot.

ISSA
And don’t make it too fancy. A bitch good at Church’s Chicken.

MOLLY
Girl, you know I’m the FIRST one to stop at Church’s on the late-night. That three-piece be hittin.

ANDREW
Before we forget. Issa, I hear you have great nut cheese. Can you show me where it is?

ISSA
Andrew! Ew.

(a beat)

ISSA
Naw I’m just playin. Are you thinking more of a silky cashew cheese or, like, a gritty almond cheese? We have both.

INT. SANTA MONICA BEACH HOUSE - EVENING

LAWRENCE stands at an island with a marble countertop and brand new convection oven at his fingertips. A half-empty bottle of Prosecco fizzes near a full champagne glass of it. Lawrence is “work disheveled” in loosened tie and Armani suit.

CONDOLA enters.

CONDOLA
(singing)
Wanna rumble with the Bee huh? Bzzzzz.

LAWRENCE
(joins)
Throw a hex on the whole industry.

(beat)

LAWRENCE
We did it? Of course we did it.

CONDOLA
Sherman Oaks, yup. We did it. No fuck that! I did it.

LAWRENCE
You did it. You right, my bad, my bad. That’s a $400M commercial lot, babe.

CONDOLA
You know I wouldn’t believe it myself unless I knew me...and knew how fucking poppin’ I am!

LAWRENCE
I should confess: I started celebrating. I knew you was gon’ kill it.

CONDOLA
That’s what we calling your day-drinking now? Ok.

LAWRENCE
L. O. L. Now bring yo fine ass on over here, Ms. Real Estate Queen of SoCal.

CONDOLA purrs and approaches him, hands grabbing at his buckle. LAWRENCE obliges and throws his arms around her to hoist her away.

INT. BEDROOM - LATER

The kissing quickens. They’re each rubbing, palming, licking, suckling the other. Her eyes are closed or lids low throughout. LAWRENCE keeps peeking through one lid at their mattress drawer, and positioning her so they’re closer to it.

He shoves her to that side of the bed.

CONDOLA
Babe! Too rough.

LAWRENCE
Sorry I’m sorry. I am losing my shit I want you so bad.

CONDOLA
Well get your shit together then.

LAWRENCE
Turn over.

She flips onto her stomach. LAWRENCE slides the mattress drawer open with a slow kick of his left leg. He grabs a condom with one hand and pushes her down flat with the other. He makes sure to be stealthy about it.

CONDOLA
Rub my back while you there.

LAWRENCE puts the condom between his teeth so he can free his hands to massage her. But now he can’t open the wrapper. He tries kneading her back with one hand and lifting one to his mouth.

CONDOLA
Use both haaaaands, baaaabe.

LAWRENCE
Mhm.

He goes for it. Cracks the condom wrapper open quickly. CRACKLE. The sound of it opening cracks any remaining silence. CONDOLA pops up.

CONDOLA
What the fuck is that?

LAWRENCE
What’s what?

CONDOLA grabs a pillow and starts whacking at him.

CONDOLA
Do NOT do this right now, Lawrence. Why do you have a condom?

LAWRENCE
It’s a flavored one.

CONDOLA
Why would we use a condom, Lawrence Walker, flavored or otherwise? Am I fucking dreaming? You are not real right now.

LAWRENCE
(shrugs)
...

CONDOLA
Is it that weedhead bitch? The dirty Rasta white girl? Which fucking scalawag, cross-eyed bitch were you up in? I swear every time we take 2 steps forward, your bum ass take 5 steps back.

LAWRENCE
She had a lazy eye! Ok! And she was a yogini not a Rasta.

CONDOLA
GET OUTTA MY HOUSE! You fuckin’ piece of shit fake engineer with a million ideas and not a dollar to your name! I don’t want your dumbass baby. Baby’d be dumb as shit fuckin witchu.

INT. EAST L.A. ATTACHED APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

ISSA lives here. We see her day deconstructed from the view of her at a kitchen table. She is adding and then rearranging Post-It notes on a cork board. Various views of her in the same spot as her roommates glide in and out of the apartment. A family of five in one bedroom down the hall. A stoner gamer drifts into his bedroom and doesn’t come out except to snack. An actress runs lines while pacing the halls and the terrace. An older man in delivery uniform comes in once, late. ISSA has 7 housemates.

MONTAGE:
ISSA greeting the little girl and boy from the family as they leave for school. She pulls at their backpacks as they run out.

ISSA first refusing and then taking a pull from the stoner gamer’s spliff. It has five “fingers” of weed attached to a long spout.

ISSA runs lines with the actress. They switch seats a few times at the kitchen table. The actress takes one Post-It and moves it to the top of the board.

INT. ISSA’S TINY BEDROOM - DUSK

Her bed has notebooks spread out in every imaginable condition. There are candy wrappers on the bed too. It’s more like the room itself than the bed because the area is small. ISSA talks to herself, mouthing frantic words as she shifts papers again, looking for something.

Eventually, she wraps her hair and clicks on Netflix (which is also Amazon, which is also Fox). The logos fade in one after another. Near her bed is a roach she’s saved for this moment. She lights it.

INT. ISSA'S TINY BEDROOM - LATER

ISSA is passed out with the lit spliff between her fingers. Her shirt begins to catch aflame. She wakes and starts slapping at herself to put it out. She knocks the ashtray contents all over her bed in the fury. At least the joint is out though.

Hearing an alert, ISSA grabs her phone.

LAWRENCE (TEXT)
You up?

JUMP TO:
INT. SANTA MONICA BEACH HOUSE

LAWRENCE is reclined on the sectional couch in his living room. He’s texting.

He gets up to grab car keys.

FADE OUT.