7 ways to get this post done with no distractions

It's been too long since I've done a post so today we're going to focus on:

How to get a post done. Easy.

First thing you wanna do is type a URL. But a URL takes you somewhere you should avoid:

1. The Internet - Where memes of chimps flinging shit through life's gilded cage suck hours away from you like that! Or you end up watching a cartoon that you swore was a childhood dream. So avoid the Internet like you avoid the past. At all costs.

Now that the Internet is out of the way, take a sandwich break. Wonder aloud if you bought eggs last time. But also just BE in your space. Breathe it in. 

You should toast the bread for the sandwich because It couldn't hurt. 

You also need to make a special honey mustard sauce from scratch so the toast isn't too dry.. Take your time with this. As you prep ingredients:

2. Keep watching funny videos; they won't take long - Use funny videos to safely waste two to three minutes at a time on nonsense. Much smarter than losing a whole day, and you'll have something to talk about with friends later. 

That's it. Now you're doing it. You're thrashing your way through a post and you haven't even started yet. This is a perfect time for:

3. Porn - Never forget porn. You can watch things you'd definitely need to hide from people, and feed your hungry dark side.  Though you may fall feet-first through Hell's door, the cure for boredom itches at your fingertips. So undo that belt and strum the Silent Guitar til your palms wrinkle.

(Poof. 45 minutes gone. Your latest update? Messy hands under a bleak sunset.)

After you've washed off the idle filth, it's time to really get down to it. The work of writing a post. But you're going to need:

4. Pizza - Since your sandwich hand is ruined, looks like you'll need to order in. Trust me, it takes less time overall, and while you wait for the bell to ring there's always:

5. Social media - "Will anyone like this post?" "Should I check?" Self-doubt is calling and you need answers now. Gulp a shot of vanity with the confidence that you're aging better than your close friends and some of the people you hate.

When you think you can't do it, remind yourself that working for attention is a win-win. Let's say you get attention, boom, you're viral, everyone likes you. You're famous and you can tell the paparazzi to go fuck off one time and mean it. 

But even if you don't get any likes, you can use that rejection as part of your image. Your brand is the underdog. Or WHATEVER. The beautiful part of social media is that it will make you feel anxious about this post both before and after you finish. 

As you get into a flow, remember:

6. This is a good time to call your mother - When is it not a good time to call your mother? First of all. Second, you don't need that guilt on you when you're trying to be great. So just call her. 

All of a sudden, this post is straight fire. Truthfully, that pizza is hitting and you're in a real zone right now. Adrenaline alone shutting down all doubt.

Post totally captures your voice, and you feel like people are gonna relate. Maybe once in a generation, an artist has a chance to:

7.  Sleep - So that's what you do. Fall out before you write the post.