Against Brown Rice

My friend once revealed himself a bigot to me with the term "ricist." 

He let me know, in my own home, he had no time for full-grain-brown-mush I was making.

Generously, I called it "brown rice." 

At the time, his words hurt. Scarred from years of perfecting a brown rice cooking technique, I realized he was right. Brown rice trash. And no amount of "nutty" flavor or "health benefits" can make up for it being the oatmeal of rice.

Brown rice follows all the rules. It's the teacher's pet of food. It crosses the T's and dots the I's. 

But it's also devoid of flair and only does the assignment to the letter. That's why you can't make pelau with it. Brown rice is an élitist who judges you for not having an electric car and sustainable waste solutions. Brown rice loves a solar panel. And will tell you about a pyramid scheme you can join to get one (and save about 15% on your light bill.)

Let's keep it 100: rice needs accessories. If you are from the part of the world, like me, that uses rice to fill out meals (because poverty, duh), rice gotta have flavor, b. No excuses. 

We putting scallions in the rice. Beans in the rice. Coconut milk cloud the rice. Fuck it, throw peppers in the rice. A drumstick -- SHOULD YOU BE SO LUCKY -- in the rice. Good rice has to get colorful and random and engage a few nations' spices. Good rice can't be middle management want all the attention/do none of the work. So it gotta make room for other shyt, boss, that's just how this pot hierarchy go.

But brown rice is so fucking precious it won't allow for nunna that which makes rice enjoyable. Instead, you gotta coddle brown rice, bring it out its shell, and embrace it and all kinda dumb shit. But then, when you finally get her home, she the dead fish type. Brown rice repressed but that's no longer my problem. 

Anyway, I'm here sad with this cookbook recipe for "foolproof brown ice" and finally accept that the best way to cook brown rice is not to make it. 

If you have questions or words for me, there's an email contact here somewhere. Get at me, Feds.